Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
