I think I won the penis lottery.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
