Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
