did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
That's how pantless uber rides happen
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
