i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
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