Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
