I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
