I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
