thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
