I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
