I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
