ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Randomize
