did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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