You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Randomize