Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
