....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Randomize
