I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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