We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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