Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Come see our sink grown plant.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
