I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
