I faked an abortion last night.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
If its not for food we ain't going out.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
