The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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