they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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