I faked an abortion last night.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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