this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
