Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
