My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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