i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
