Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
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