Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
