I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
