So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
tell me about the fingering
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
