Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
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