I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
