my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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