WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
