I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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