I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
My cat gives me a boner
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
