he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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