i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
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