Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
