my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
