I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
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