I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
