What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
