everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
