in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
