Umm I'm too high to move.
Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
