I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
