I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Terrible idea I love it
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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