Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
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