I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
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