Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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